Sealed With A Razor Slit
by MirrorKisses
Summary: The first slit was for you, the second one was for me. I did it for us. I loved you…
1. Default Chapter

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Sealed With A Razor Slit

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**Summary: The first slit was for you, the second one was for me. I did it for us. I loved you…**

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_They say I'm obsessed.  
I say I'm in love_

_And desperate_…

_The Killers- Desperate_

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_Slit…Slice…_

The first one was for you…

_Slit…Slice…_

The second one was for me…

I love you baby…even if you don't know me…

I've been thinking about this for a long time, however, and I decided, that when ever I see you with Dylan from now on I'm going to do this. One cut for me, one cut for you. And so on and so forth. Until we could be together, you and me, the way it should be. Should I feel this bad though, I mean, should I really be feeling this bad, hurting this much…over you?

If I am, then maybe that's my problem.

But you're my addiction Marco, I'm sure you understand that. It's not a meaning of weather or not you love me, thought it would be fucking wonderful if you did, I just want you to know that I exist.

I do bleed you know.

_Slit…Slice…_

He loves me….

_Slit…Slice…_

He loves me not…

I wish I had a rose, instead of this horrible ache inside my body right now. It's crippling me, surprisingly, I wonder if you feel my pain too…

_Slit…Slice…_

I trace a bloody finger over the year book. Degrassi High School Graduation. Where it all started, where all of my agony began. My beautiful agony.

_No…no…no…no…_

It's a hoarse whisper behind my eyes now.

I shouldn't think about it, not again. It might…just kill me.

You look so handsome with your graduation gown, and your little tassel.

So beautiful…

_Slice…._

Owww, shit. I think I cut too deep that time.

Oh well.

Water fills my eyes as I drop the blade into the sink and was my hands off. I can hear the sirens in the distance; they're coming for me now. I layback down on the floor, spread my legs out and close my eyes, humming our song, the one we danced at graduation with, you know, " Good, good cry". That was the only time you noticed me, that quick dance that I had asked for you to have with me.

So close now…

They're close now…

Maybe I shouldn't have called the police…

But I'm so close to giving up and just dying…

So I'm holding onto your face in my mind and that song in my heart…our song…

_No….no…no…._

The sound, that voice, gets fainter and fainter…

_No…stay awake…a few more minutes…_

It turns into a gasp.

_Plea- please…_

I'm sorry; I'm trying.

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**Uh...pt2 comming soon...figure out who the main character is...**


	2. Twinge

**A/N: I just wanted to say thank you sooooooooooo much for the reviews, this story actually seems interesting to some of you! Gasp? Can I actually write? Hmm….**

**On to the reviewers I suppose then:**

**Goth-girl2:** Is the main character Ellie? Yes and no, you know I always have to have a twist. I hope you like this chapter.

**mellowyellow36:** I'm glad you like the story, here's the update

**ilovedc:** It is? –Blushes- Why thank you. I hope you enjoy this one as well

**babytera:** WHHHOOO! CAPS LOCK RULES! I think that means the story is good right? Thanks for the review and enjoy!

**Cradlerobber Speedo-kun:** Good observation, you're right. Ellie wouldn't say baby unless delusional or desperate. Thanks for the review, and you shall see what is really going on…

**SkittlesStar25:** Spinner? A SPACRO? No, that's with my other story, Sparkle, Shimmer, Shine. A tom slash story? Mmmm…he'll be floating around in here, very subtly though at the least. I just have to say that your name kicks ass by the way, I like it, it's so…shiny. Oh, off subject… a twist? I' see you've read one of my stories before then… here's the second part!

**Thank you to all who reviewed so far, you now all officially KICK ASS in my book! Enjoy the next chapter…**

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**_And the truths too hash to comprehend _**

**_You just pretend there isn't a problem _**

**_No no, I ain't got a problem _**

**_It's you with the problem_**

**_-The Libertines_**

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**Chapter 2: Twinge**

They cradle me away now, I'm on a stretcher, I think, as the college students gather out side and watch as I get shipped off and away into the ambulance. A little bit longer, 2 seconds, and I would've been gone. It's kind of like a root canal, you think it's scary as shit and then after you go through with it…it is. But you handle it. The blue lights look kind of like angelic stars as my vision slips again, filling with haze spots of all sorts of different colors. There's a driving rhythm in my mind, like a pounding guitar beat. Craig did tell me to stop drinking, but then again, he was rarely sober himself.

I'm not going to cry like I normally do after these attempts, my doctors says it's because I'm un stable. No, I don't have a problem, I'm in love. Love, love love. Never mind, why or how, or even due to the fact of sexuality, but the fact that I am in love is the worst of it all. As I feel the familiar tingle of a needle hitting my veins I loose the color in my eyes and think back to the first time I realized that I loved him.

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"Today is a day of celebration" Marco said as he stood above the podium, his head held high and his eyes cold. "We are transcending onto a higher level of your educational process, we are growing, we are learning. Initially, when I came into this school I pretty much hated it, but it grew on me, people grew on me." He smiled softly," I love this school and after serving as president for 2 years, before for my junior and senior year I have to say that we deserve this, we deserve to be hailed for the achievements that we have all accomplished. We've done it, we've graduated. So Degrassi, toss your hats up high, we can finally get the hell out of here!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd as students threw their hats up into the air and confetti flew on top of them. Looking high, Marco tossed his up into the air, only to have it caught by Dylan." So, senior boy, where are you off to now? More dangerous adventures or are you taking a subtle scenic route?"

"I don't know…" Marco trailed off, watching couples jump into each other's arms and hug and kiss," I think I'll go to that new college that opened up, that all boys one, St. Peter Sinclair's School for the gifted and talented. They have the best classes for literature."

"Oh, well I was hoping that we'd be able to have some alone time" Dylan pouted.

"Oh, and that we will" Marco smirked. He trailed a finger over Dylan's tie. "Later, now, I have to go to my house and change into something more…loose. You will have the first dance with me won't you?"

"Of course" Dylan smiled. He kissed his hand happily," And I have a surprise for you…"

"A surprise? Wow, Dylan, you are going all out for me. What's the special occasion?" Marco asked suspiciously.

"Oh, you'll see" Dylan smirked as they walked over towards the parking lot and opened the door. Marco stepped in and Dylan pulled down the top, letting the wind tussle his perfect curls. They rode in a comphortable silence and 10 minutes Marco was in front of his house. He hopped out eagerly and turned around to see Dylan driving away." Dylan?" He called out, confused, "where are you going?"

"Pick you up in a half hour babe!" Dylan shouted as he drove off, smiling happily. Marco, confused and somewhat giddy, ran inside the house the change into the outfit that him and Dylan had picked out a few days ago and hopped around the room, looking for his socks. While he was on his search, Ellie called him on the phone. He placed her on speaker phone," Darling, where have you been? Why weren't you at the graduation?" Marco asked, searching through the drawers.

"Uh. I—I had something to take care of, it—it was important." She stammered out. "Things are just confusing, Marco"

"Of course they are sweetie, we're free though. I mean, aren't you happy to have no more Mr. Raddish or any other teachers bossing us around? Can't you wait to get into college? I know I can't." He paused, putting on deodorant and pulling on his socks. "It's amazing. I haven't been this happy in a long time…weird huh?"

"Ye—eah" Ellie's voice cracked.

Marco didn't notice. Instead he smiled," How about you, are you at least coming to the dance?"

"No…" Ellie whispered," I'm going to stay home. It's kind of killing me…"

Marco dropped his sock. "Killing you? What? Oh, Ellie, don't say kill, please…" He sat down on the bed, his breath becoming shorter.

"No, Marco. Calm down, I didn't mean killing…I mean...hurting. I meant to say hurting…breathe…" Ellie stammered out quickly. She closed her eyes, "Breathe…" She whispered.

Marco calmed down a little bit before biting his lips." Ellie, you know that I—"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry" Ellie flinched. Marco's mom died last year in a freak shoot out at a store. She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. But it didn't make himself feel any better for it. He lived with his dad now, they moved into a smaller house and he was rarely happy. Moving out was probably the best thing that could happen to him besides Dylan.

"I want you to come to the dance, I need you to come. One final dance Ellie darling, one last dance?" Marco pleaded, buttoning his silk white shirt down to the bottom." We need an official send off, that final good-bye"

Ellie remained quiet," Marco…I just want to stay home"

His face fell," Well, okay then. I guess…" He trailed off a little bit. "When will I be able to see you then?"

"I don't know" Ellie whispered.

Marco frowned at her behavior." Ellie, what are you doing over there alone anyway?"

"N—nothing" She said quickly," Nothing Marco, nothing"

"Right…" Marco said," Promise me you won't do anything drastic at least, since I know you're lying"

Ellie looked down at the phone," I love you Marco…"

"As do I Ellie, as do I" Marco whispered as he heard a car outside honk its horn.

"Prince charming is there I guess" Ellie said, smiling despite herself.

"Yeah" Marco said. He pulled up his pants and zipped them," I'll call you then El"

"Okay Marco…"

"Okay…"

"Love you…" Ellie whispered.

"Bye" Marco said, hanging up, forgetting to add the love part.

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Going into detail over this whole thing is becoming tiring, God, I wish that my mind didn't work in VCR mode right now, it's like that, incept worse. It's in DVD mode all most, instead of just pausing, playing and rewinding the pictures, they also come with special features, each one for my viewing pleasure. It's almost like the butterfly effect. I relive ever smell, breath, tear. Every touch and taste and kiss…and bite. It's as if I'm there all over again, spilling my heart out through some freaky time warp.

There are a lot of wires hooked up to me now, and I have this beautiful bracelet that is hanging on my bony wrist. It's so alluring…kind of, it's weird. Oh well, it's funny, how I remember more about Marco's parts in the story than mines, I guess I black out too much, I rarely have recollection of anything that I do anymore. My mom says that it was because I had a short attention span. And yet she was the one who got hit by a car…how odd.

My first boy friend, David, said that my problem was that "I never fucking focused" and that "How can you ever love someone if they don't love you back? Are you trying to become depressed, or is it just etched into your robotic like mainframe?" I guess he had a point, but after he died…

_No…no…no…_

I thought I got rid of that voice.

_Trail me for murder…I'm guilty…please…_

No, not really. I didn't kill him. After we got into an argument at his apartment he fell off the balcony. Slipped on the rain apparently.

_No, it was me. Just Like Marco-_

I really need to shut that voice up…I can't concentrate on thinking clearly, or at least semi-clearly with that damn voice…wait…

I reach over to the needle hanging next to my IV bag and pull it over onto the bed; I quickly jot it into my arm and listen closely…

_No….NO...no…no…_

It died down again. Finally. I think I kind of miss David. I finger the necklace around my neck; it's a small vial actually, no bigger than a quarter, filled with blood. Not my blood, hell, I lost too much of that already, but Marco's blood.

It's a long story how I got that. But I'm getting kind of tired again, this new drug that they're giving me…Lebethonal, is pretty powerful , the best pain killer I ever took. And I've taken a lot of those. The last thing I remember was someone coming into the room and sitting down in the seat besides me as I shut my eyes...

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**Sunshine reviwers, please review, they make me happy and giddy and filled with ounces of Cuddle Bears and Joy!**


	3. Destroy

**Cradlerobber Speedo-kun:** Spelling errors? Oh, I'm so sorry if that annoyed you –Geekily blushes- I know that must be a pain because I get seriously heated when someone else does it on their stories. Still enjoying this? Perfect! Then my plan is coming along… -smiles and goes MEWHAHAHHAHAHAHA-

**Enigmus:** Thanks for reviewing, you like surprises? Well, do you like twists too? I hope so.

**SkittlesStar25:** Thank you for feeling sorry for me, I thrive on pity, but it's up and running again. Sorry for yesterday with the chat. My computer just like froze as usual…

**Sango-Kadie:** You…you…liked…my—my story? This is like an honor coming from you, your fics rock my pink red Chinese slippers –shimmies slippers- Wow, I'M LIKE in awe right now…oh…thank you…

**mellowyellow36**: You consider it glam? That's awesome, I love the word glam but…things aren't as they seem.

**anjel919:** Yay! Thank you ever so much and yes, I do also worry about myself, but I think that if I try to fix whatever's going wrong with me 'up there' –points at head and messy hair- I'll loose my writing sparky weird depressive ways, ya know?

Thank you for the reviews, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well…

Because one of the biggest twists of all time is here…

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**Chapter 3: Destroy**

**" I guess I just like destorying myself"**

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I believe that sometimes, when that voice slithers back inside my head, the best thing that I can do is bite my lip and shut my eyes real tight.

_Sometimes I'm just not strong enough…_

There it is again. Properly enough, they haven't stated my condition yet, but as soon as they do, I'm running away. I really want a cigarette right now. My vision is a bit better but…God…things are so hard right now. I'm fucking sweating really bad, it's like an inferno trapped in my body and my eyes are watery and itchy as hell. Damn drugs, they never do me any justice. My stomach hurts a little bit too, I'm pretty sure I might throw up, but I hold it back, and swallow the little that does come up.

Maybe a glass of water would help me.

I reach a bloody hand over towards the night stand…wait, when did I do that? I don't remember, you know, with the black outs and all, it probably happened last night. I tip the glass over and it hits the floor with a crash, making my nurse dash into the room, inspecting me and shaking her head. She picks up the glass and shakes her head, " El, if you want to get better you have to stop thinking about him, get over it all ready" She walked out the room only to return with a fresh glass of water and an ace bandage, wrapping my arms up. Yeah, I guess I had a hay day with my "One slice for me, one slice for you" rule.

I guess I like destroying myself.

I did it all for him, if anyone asks though. Maybe I need some eye drops; they are killing me like hell. As I shut my eyes, bitterly and cough a little bit I remember why I am talking to you in the first place. I'm not really talking, more so writing, since you are my diary. But I'm not really writing. You see, it's all up here. In my mind. I'll jot it down some day, maybe it'll get published and I'll become famous.

Maybe then he'll notice me. It's April now, I think…April 2. I always liked the number 2, 2 people in a relationship, 2 parents, 2 hearts together as one, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 arms. Constants. I call them constants.

Because they will always be there no matter what. And I need that in my life to live, you know, since they hate me. And when I say "They" I mean the voices

_No…no…no…_

Oh, fuck. They're back again. How many needles and concussions do I have to get to make this annoying voice go away? Maybe I should've just stuck to drinking. I would love to go back to thinking about Marco, but as of now, every time I think or say his name, I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack and loose my breath. And while I normally like that feeling, the other voice inside my head, the one I like, is telling me to think about myself.

_About myself…_

Well…I remember, before I moved to Degrassi what a hell my life was.

I remember how breathing wasn't an option without getting a beating with scars to show that last for weeks on in. You see, there was one thing in my life before Marco…surprisingly, that kept me sane. That being an Eleanor Nash.

Ellie was the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen, she was smart, she was pretty and she was funny. But better yet she understood the yearning that I had for her boyfriend, even if it was ten-fold whatever she was feeling. We met on a sunny after noon in the park over in my old neighborhood of Muldrow Lane.

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_My heart was racing as I pedaled down the road towards the store on the corner; I lived in a rather rural neighborhood. Something caught in my wheels as I toppled over the handlebars and landed into the dirt with a dull thud. Looking up I noticed that there was a stick inside the spokes of my wheels. Sighing, I bent over and pulled the stick out as I spotted a blur or red and pink hair cover over me._

_A girl with pigtails and a smile that could light up the darkest of hearts flashed me with her mirror and bent besides me. "Aren't wheels a bitch to clean?" She asked suddenly, the sweet child like demeanor gone and replaced with the body of what seemed to be a 16 year old._

_"Umm…yeah" I said, looking at my bike shyly. One of the boys at school must've stuck it in there as a joke. God, I just hated my life._

_She flipped a pony tail from her shoulders and smirked," New kid here huh?" She asked._

_"No." I sighed out," Been here for a good 2 years…"_

_"My name's Ellie" She stated happily. She cocked her head to the side, "You want to know a secret?"_

_I stood there, puzzled at the fact that this bubbly girl, woman, whatever she was, was talking to me. To say the least, woman didn't find themselves attracted to me. I feel slightly bad about that. But mainly something bothered me about her, she was too damn happy. And even back then I was as bitter as an elderly widow so I had to be suspicious and tread consciously. Then again, I never had a friend before, so I didn't know what to do. She reached over and brushed a strand of honey blonde hair from my shoulders and smiled warmly, "Pain is nothing without resistance"_

_I stared at her, getting the meaning and scooting back a little bit. How did she know about my…better yet…I was speechless. I was confused, no one, I mean no one, had ever pulled my frail mask away so easily. I opened my mouth to meekly reply when she stopped me, shaking her hair in my face and pulled my bicycle up to a standing position. She was wearing blue jeans with a matching jacket and a shirt under it with a rose on it. Her eyes were black, not from make up, but from tiredness and now that I looked at her true light she looked so worn down. I hid my crystal blue eyes to the floor as she took my hand and brought it up to her face, very shyly I blinked._

_"What's your name?" She asked softly, petting my hair. It was almost as if it was a dream, why was she doing this. What turned from me running away from my house from a day in trying to avoid getting a beating I meet this woman…girl…who's showing an actual care for me? It made my head spin. I began to open my mouth to answer my name but then I stopped, probably one of the boys from the school put her up to this. So instead I just shook my head and murmured something under my breath along the lines of "I have to go". And I was about to go when she pulled me by my hands and stopped me," You know…boy…you shouldn't be so easy on the eyes. I mean, if your doing this to yourself at least cover it up properly. The town doesn't want to know of what we do to ourselves"_

_"What are you talking about?" I asked as I got onto my bike only to be pulled off by her. She pulled up her sleeves and showed it to me," Please, amateur, we all know the first phases of when you need help…"_

_Did her dad beat her too? That's the only question that was going through my mind, what else could she be talking about. "Look, I know…you don't know me, fuck, I don't really care, but when I see boys like you…doing this. I know you need help" She continued._

_"I'm fine…really" I said, trying to get on again but she pulled me off._

_"Really?" She repeated as she pushed up my pants leg to see a cut a few inches long and deep. I gasp when the fabric moved; I think she had just re-opened it._

_"How…?"_

_"You were limping slightly" She said simply. She looked at me in the eyes again," Can we go for a walk then? If you don't trust me I'll leave you alone…" She trailed off; there was something in her eyes that just made me…_

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God.

Life was so hard and confusing back then. I think I probably fell in love with her right there. Not that way, in a weird way. But I was just confusing myself at the time, simply being lonely and dull, I would believe just about anything that anyone said. I just needed to be with somebody, I was dying to talk.

Scream was more like it.

That voice just shattered the vision of the day that I had completely.

But to be honest, I did want to scream.

And kick.

And yell.

But all I did was cry and become reserved.

Maybe I should go to sleep again. That person from before is still there, I don't know who it is, but one of the side effects from the drugs was the whole burning eyes and feverish forehead, so I think it's just a nurse keeping tabs on me, that or someone else, I can't really tell…

I can't really tell about anything anymore.


	4. Weep

**Nicole Lo**: The flashbacks are kinda random, but they tell of the bigger picture.I'm lad you think it's agnsty and hopeless. It's what I strive for.

**BlackRoseOnFire:** Thank you, I updated, now you gotta review! Lol

**SkittlesStar25:** your welcome, I am, the best computer slapper you can find. Yep, the story is coming along. So I hope you enjoy

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**_Chapter 4: Weep_**

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My mom always had a saying, something along the lines of astrology. She was a big hippie to me, always with the insents and candles and things. I never paid any mind to it, I was in a morbid depressive shell during those times, but one thing that stuck out in my mind was the small little saying that she had always told me after I would get into an argument with her. She would always throw the bible at me.

There's just a mind numbing throbbing in my mind right now, I just want to die…

_Die…wouldn't that be easy?_

I finger the threads of fabric on the end of my shirt, a tattered old red one, and blink back tears or remembrance at the times I would come home from school only to meet my dad in a drunken frenzy and get a beating. Or worse.

There were so many things in my life that could've lead to my psychotic break. So many words that were said, so many actions that were done, so many events that took place. I wanted to finish thinking about my first time I met Ellie, but my memory is happening to be flittering around at the moment and only bad things are jumping to the front.

_So…I was wondering…._

I clutch my head in pain, that voice could smash mountains the way it sounded in my head

_… Do you love me? Do you love me Elliot? Because I love you, I really really love you…_

_Elliot, did you wash the dishes?_

_"No…dad" I whispered out._

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality and surrealness. All I know is that the dull dreary walls of the hospital are washing away and the view of my kitchen is coming in to play…

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_"Elliot? Elliot?" My father screamed, slamming the back porch door behind. I looked at the clock, it was six thirty, and that was the time he normally got home for work. My mom is upstairs, blowing out the candles from her mediatory bath I would presume and just getting ready to go to bed. And even if I was to scream for help by now she probably already has her ear plugs in, a trick she learned to capture the sweet silence that I yearned for since I was ten, so I didn't even bother. Something simple would probably set him off. I just backed away slightly until I was pressed up against the sink and swallowed the little spit that was still in my mouth._

_"Yes…dad?" I asked, leveling myself against the sink. If he was the strike me now, it'd soften the blow since the sink had a towel draped around the edges. I already had a black eye from yesterday…_

_He raised his eyebrows at me, a cat like smirk playing upon his lips," Elliot, did you wash the dishes?"_

_That simple question echoed inside my head for the rest of my neurotic, mind dwelling, Novocain, obsessive compulsive, manic depressive life._

_My mind suddenly flashed to me getting beaten up in the school yard before I got home from school. Right after wards I had tumbled up the stairs to stop the bleeding from the long gash on my right leg… I didn't have time to wash the dishes…_

_That was the day before I met Ellie…_

_"No…dad" I whispered quietly as he shook his head._

_"Elliot…I fucking come home…and all I ask is for one simple fucking thing and this is what I get?" He asked, his voice eerily calm, he glanced over at the dishes in the sink, "Some fucking dirty dishes?"_

_"No…dad—I didn't-. I mean—"I was cut off as his hand slapped my face with a powerful force, making me topple over into the back of the sink. He looked at his nails as he advanced on me." Don't-"He slapped me again, "Fucking…" He slapped me the opposite way, "Let…"_

_Slap._

_"It…"_

_Slap._

_"Happen…"_

_Slap, slap…_

_"Again…"_

_Slap, slap._

_The second slap hurt the most. He grabbed his empty beer bottle and threw that to the sink, murmuring something along the lines of "Clean that shit up" before walking out the house and into the living room where 2 minutes later I could hear rock music emitting forth, something loud and pounding at that. I turned, face red and sore, back towards the sink and began washing the dishes quietly._

_It wasn't the worst beating for me in history, but it still hurt all the same._

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I shoot up with a start again, looking over hazily at the person next to me and trying my best not to seem weird, but my vision is fucked and all I see is a grey outline of them. I can tell they're smiling as they take my hand and whisper into my ear something barely audible. I can hear it…though…at least…I can…I think….

It's too much; I pass out again, all the whispers whirling around me. There was a weeping sound also.

_Do you love me Elliot, do you? I really, really love you…_

_Could we be together forever…?_

_Kiss me Elliot, one last time…_

_I love it when you look at me…_

_Is there anything that can separate us?_

_I'm cold baby…hold…me before I go…_

_It's funny that you say I love you after you see him…_

_Am I your only desire? Or is he your next target in love…?_

He was never a target, I really loved him.


	5. Nosebleed

**Chapter 5: Nosebleed**

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I woke up with a nosebleed and the person that normally was besides me was gone. 

I look at the clock, 11:30 pm…Tuesday. I had been asleep…for two days?

It's amazing how time flies when you're in agonizing pain.

Now I'm starting to think that I may never get a chance to actually live my life out fully, since I still can't even think straight, and I think I need to just pour out my heart to you as fast and as quick and possible before I die.

_Death…how fitting._

And by the aching feeling in my heart I'm sure that it's pretty damn close.

_Not close enough…_

So you say…

I'm arguing with myself.

I think there's something…ahhh.

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Marco hopped into Dylan's car and smiled, pulling out his necklace and showing it off. "It's inscribed to you, a piece for me and a piece for you" He ripped the heart in half, "It's the best I could afford at the moment" 

Dylan smiled and replied with a quick peck on the lips before swooping the necklace up and putting it around his neck," I love it babe". He smiled, shifting gears and turning a corner," But I need to ask you a question first"

"A question?" Marco questioned," What would that be? Are you finally pledging your eternal love for me?"

"No, actually, I was worrying about that boy…the one that Ellie is friends with" Dylan said, making a right turn.

"Sean?" Marco asked.

Dylan shook his head," No, the pale one"

"Elliot?" Marco asked as Dylan nodded his head," It was the weirdest thing, he was like…in the middle of the street. I almost ran him over" Dylan ran a hand through his hair," Like I said it was weird"

"No wonder Ellie didn't want to come" Marco sighed out," She's probably being his keeper again. Don't worry; Elliot's just another Goth boy under Ellie's wing. I hope that wasn't the question that you were going to ask me"

"Sadly yes" Dylan said as he placed a quick kiss on Marco's cheek," But the night has just begun, I promise, this will be a night that you'll never forget"

Marco sighed and pulled back his hair from his eyes," Babe, I pretty sure that it will be"

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Ellie sat in the chair next to me, holding my hand and whispering soft, caring words into my ear. She had been there the whole time now, I realize, as she shifts the chair closer and kisses me on my cheek. "Elliot…" She whispers quietly," Can you sit up…can you sit up Elliot?" 

I shake my head slightly and ease myself onto the pillow above my head, looking into her evergreen eyes. She was wearing a white shirt and blue jeans with her hew short red hair in two tiny pony tails. She cut her hair because she said it reminded her too much about fire." The last trace of my mom" she had stated dryly. "Hi…Ellie" I say slowly, looking her up and down," Wh—why are you here?" I realize that my throat is really dry now.

"Oh Elliot, you know that I can't leave you alone by yourself" She whispered, wiping a tear from her eyes," I'm so sorry I left you alone"

"Why did you leave me alone, Ellie?" I asked quietly, casting my eyes down to the floor." You know bad things happen when you leave" I felt a finger twirl around one of my blonde locks of hair." I'm sorry honey, I'll never leave again"

"Promise?" I asked, closing my eyes as she pulled my head backup, sending fireworks through out my body," I don't want you to close your eyes" She stated, avoiding my question. " Your doctor sent me in here to make sure that doesn't happen, they said that you've been saying and doing things subconsciously, and that it's dangerous for you to sleep without…without…restraints"

"Restraints?" I asked, shocked. I guess they meant the night cutting.

"They said" Ellie continued," That you kept crying out 'Once for you, once for me' over and over again. I thought you said that you were going to stop that Elliot" She scolded, making me wince. I hated when she was mad at me. It was almost the same equivalent of Marco being mad at me.

"I'm sorry" I said quietly, feeling the gentle massage my head, moving around in slow, deep tissue, circles. I felt my eye lids close again as Ellie jabbed me awake." How's the real world out there?" I asked, I was so shocked that I could form a sentence.

"Fine, Craig asked about you." Ellie said sadly," He got into a motorcycle accident though…"

"What!" I asked, sitting up, only to become dizzy and fall back into place.

"On one of the turnpikes, yep, a car cut him off. He's okay…I guess, just like a broken arm or something" Ellie stopped, gripping my hair a little bit harder. I winced, but didn't say anything; it pulled my attention away from my headache.

"And how—how's Marco?" I asked, my eyes felt black almost as the color slowly drained from them.

"Fine, recovering smoothly" Ellie replied robotically.

"Did he ask about me?"

Ellie looked me in the eyes. "No, but he did say that he hopes you rot in hell"

"Oh…just wonderful" I murmur, lying back down." When is this doctor supposed to be getting here?"

"Right about now…" I hear Ellie say as a person appears in the door way. I examine the doctor, sparkling white teeth, cocky demeanor and bright green eyes. I bet he's a real ass.

"Ellie, could you please leave the room?" The doctor asks slowly, as if I'm sort of dangerous experiment ready to snap. Okay, well maybe I am but come on, show at least some respect.

Ellie nods and kisses me on the cheek again, whispering against it," You know I'll be here when you sleep" Before nodding at the doctor and leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

I my eyes fall back on the doctor, who is now sitting next to me, staring at me. I half expect him to pull out a stick and start poking me with it. Instead he pulls out a clip board and smiles at me softly, slowly flittering his pen across the page." Elliot, do you know why you're here?"

I stair at him blankly, I'm crazy, not stupid. "Yes…doctor…."

"Christenson, Oliver Christenson" He stated smoothly, very James Bond like. I wanted to throw up right, and it wasn't because I was sick.

"Why are you here?"

"You know why I'm here Ollie" I say, smirking at the nick name I just gave him out of the blue," Do you know why you are here?"

"Elliot, do you know that a man of my stature, with a PhD and a scholarship to Harvard, does not have to put up with this?" He asked, impatient.

That was bullshit and we both know it.

"Please Ollie, you know you lie. You've been here for what would seem to be a year, when you came in the door way you looked at the door room, making sure you were in the right room, showing the fact that you didn't have this whole place memorized like the back of your hand and then you stated your name James Bond style. By your look I doubt you got into Harvard because most preppy geeks don't have silver studs in their ears-"I said, pointing to his ears which were freshly pierced," And you have to be at least 19 or 20, since you remind me a lot of this asshole that I know-"He silenced me by holding up his hand and writing something on the clip board.

"Okay, you figured me out, damn, you are good" He sighed.

"I'm crazy, not stupid" I stated, remembering to say it from eailer.

"Yes, I'm finding that out. Okay, Elliot, I'm your guide. The person that will be around you for the time that you are here, you will be studied like an animal and treated like one, you understand"

"All of this from a hospital? And me without my plastic chicken and soupy Jell-O" I said sarcastically.

"Funny, joke's on you" Oliver stated snidely," Because this is that farthest from the hospital you can get. You tried to kill someone Elliot, even if you were found bleeding to death on the floor on your apartment after that person called 911…"

"I called 911" I stated angrily, what was he trying to say? That I was in some whacked out hospital and they were trying me for David's death and that I was going to rot in here slowly?

I looked into his eyes.

Oh, shit.

"Where am I?" I asked quickly, trying to sit up but he placed a hand on my head and gently pushed me back down," Don't get up. You're a smart boy Elliot, since when does a hospital leave syringes next to your nightstand and after one injection you pass out. Or where you have an on going headache for weeks on in, or where you pass out for two days at a time?"

"Where am I?" I repeated again, looking up into his steel blue eyes and squinting because shit, those lights were bright.

"Alexander Williams Mental Hospital…" He stopped as I flinched…

Dad had been after mom got hit by that car….

Oh…oh wow….

"I'm sure you understand that whatever you have is under control at the moment. But after that incident with Mr. Del Rossi I'm afraid that …"

"That…?"

"That…." He stopped again, brushing the hair out of his face. This ass, he reminded me of David, moving as if he had all the time in the world. The same thing I hated I loved about him. " You're going to be here for a pretty long time"

A long time…

A long time…

If I didn't call 911 then who did?

David…before he died…before he fell off that balcony?

_No….no…no…._

_No…stay awake…a few more minutes…_

That wasn't my mind talking for once…

I close my eyes as Ollie looks me over and decides that I've had about as much as I could handle of today and walked out the door. I can't believe it…that wasn't my mind telling myself to hold on…

That was David.


	6. Perplexity

**Thank you for all of you who have reviewed, I enjoy it more than anything in the world. So come, and dive back into Elliot's mind for more tragedy**

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Chapter 6: Perplexity

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It's like the death sentence, blood and all.

There are people screaming all around me now or maybe that's the voices inside my head.

I can't tell the difference anymore, since I talked with Ollie, 2 weeks ago, I haven't eaten, they have me on a tube, and I'm as skinny as a toothpick. It doesn't matter, I killed David.

I killed David.

Oh god…I killed him.

How else would this happen? I can't remember…God if only my memory would work again instead of fucking blacking out every time that dull pain started. I had been inside of this…hellish place for a month now. For me it was 5 days because Ollie, I think it was Ollie, left that nifty needle next to my nightstand.

That numbed me a bit.

Oh, and Ellie's still here too.

Too bad I'm so cold.

I wonder what Marco's doing right now, he can't he angry at me forever can he?

Because when you love somebody you don't do that.

Whenever you want to come out of this coma….

Hello agony

_Let me know, until then, don't talk to me Elliot; all you do is cause pain._

When ever I think about Marco David's voice floats into my head, one of the many arguments that we had while he was…alive

I choke a little right there; maybe I should get an oxygen mask.

* * *

_"You know Elliot; we're a perfect match, the prince and the princess." David smiled a little bit. There was a very few occasions when this happened so I just looked up at him and smiled back._

_We were smiling idiots._

_"Who's the prince?" I asked. We were both jammed onto the couch in the small house that we had rented off the money that we had rounded up from our jobs. Me as a paper boy and him from working at this up and coming printing press. Ellie chipped in from whenever she could from hopping job to job._

_"You, of course" David blushed," El, you're so handsome, why'd you choose me, I'm a wreck. I'm desperate and clingy and weak" I took his hands and pressed them up against my face gently, sighing." You're my wreck" I stated plainly," I own you practically"_

_"I know…I—I –"I stopped him." I know…"_

_"How would you even remotely feel…?" He trailed off slowly, lowering his eyes._

_"Because I feel the same way" I said, leaning over and kissing him._

_I kissed him_

_Our first kiss._

_How wonderful._

* * *

"What did you say?" A voice asked. The small shitty walls floated away and the hospital came into view.

Well, fuck. I wanted to finish that memory.

I noticed Ollie sitting besides my bed," I guess that was wonderful. Sweet, you two were a perfect couple?"

"You heard all of that?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, you tend to talk out a lot, Elliot; you might want to fix that. So far we've heard at least 5 X-rated memories" Ollie smiled at me.

Damn you, Ollie.

Tilting my head to the side I stared at him for a few seconds before declaring," I need a shower"

"And I need a Hummer" Ollie said back.

"So? What the fuck does that have to do with me taking a bath? I think I haven't gone to the bathroom in a month and I smell like moldy ass." I said angrily. He was a real pisser.

"Wait in line Prince" He said, smiling that little smile.

Someone hold me back before I slaughter this man.

I raised my arm up and pull him by his tie close to my face and breathe out," I need a shower…now" I said it quietly, but by the look on his face I scared the shit out of him. He composes himself and pulls away from me," Save the anger for when you recover and they put you into that small cramped up room…"

Suddenly David appears besides me, pulled at the sides of his hair and crying a little bit,"_ Look what happened Elliot_" He whispered quietly, "_Look where you are_…"

"I know…" I whisper, I just hate to see him in pain," David, please, understand that what happened…"

"_Weren't we supposed to be together forever_?" David asked slowly.

"We are, Dave. Nothing, not even Death can separate us. I'd die right now so I could join you" I say tenderly, tracing the IV patch in my arm. Hurts like hell.

"_Could we be together forever…?"_ He asked. He closed his eyes as I pulled him close and water spilled down his cheeks like tiny water falls.

"Yes…" I cry out," We'll be together forever…"

"Elliotwhatareyoudoing?" The jumbled message comes out.

"They're trying to take me away" I whisper hoarsely as I feel his nails dig into my skin.

"_Hold on El, hold on. Don't let go…don't let go…baby…"_ David cried out, holding onto me, his nails scratching my skin. I wince, but hold on.

"Elliotgetoffofme" Another jumbled message spills forth.

"David!" I cry out as I open my eyes to see myself holding onto Ollie.

"God damn" He breathes out," Get off me Elliot."

I let go of him reluctantly.

He wasn't David.

"I'm not David" He clarifies. My eyes fall down to the floor, blocking out and blacking out and now hallucinations, someone.

Please.

Kill.

Me.

Now.

He gives me this perplexed look and I hide my eyes shamefully from his, looking down at the cuts on my arms. I really missed my Davey…

Ollie's arm snaked around my shoulder as I shuddered and fell into him." Look, things are only going to get worse from here" He said calmly, making me ache more," So you need to be strong. Elliot, don't take this the wrong way, but you get everything that you need handed to you on a silver platter here…"

"You lie" I say again.

"Okay, you don't. You'll get abused and smacked around and hurt. I don't want that"

"Because you care…"

"Because they'll dock my pay" Ollie said slowly." And…God…because I care for you. In that tutor-and-paitent way"

Who knew that you could like someone in a tutor-and-patient way? Nonetheless I still felt horrible so I let it go and leaned against the cold pillows.

"Did you really love him?" Ollie asked, getting up.

Did I really love him?

* * *

_"I love it when you look at me…" David whispered, pushing the strands of hair out of his eyes and looking down at his hands shyly. He had been gripping onto me for the last five minutes, he was pretty fucked, he couldn't balance himself, and the only thing we could do was wait until someone found us here, huddled out in the middle of the street." If I die like this, this is how I want to die…with you looking at me" The snow flakes that cascaded against his skin and looked like angel feather tears._

_I shake my head tiredly," Your not dying David, your fine. Just wait, someone will see us and then…then we can go back to sleeping around all day and going out at night—and—and looking at pictures of Marco and singing little songs, just like we used to"_

_"But—But I'm cold." David stuttered out as I pulled him closer to me, wrapping him within my coat and shivering my self, it was as if hell froze over, creating a winter ice land on the cold road. How did we even get here…I don't remember._

_"Hold on Davey…I love you…" I whisper kissing him icily and blinking back frozen tears, He looked me in the eyes, a soft smile on his face, I thought that he meant that everything would be okay and that someone would find us and we'd be fine. But that wasn't the case, he had passed out and, fearing that he was on the brink of death, as he was, he was looking me in the eyes, so I could return that look. I felt his fingers curl around mines, his shivering stopping momentarily and the smile lighting up the whole road, it was an angelic sign at the time, I thought heaven itself had opened up and was ready to accept David._

_Instead it was truck, rounding the corner. Hailing it down frantically I got it to stop and we rushed him to the hospital…_

* * *

"Yeah" I said softly," I did. I really did"

Ollie closed to door and let me fall into darkness.

But it didn't matter how much I loved David

Or love David.

Because he's dead.

D E A fucking D.

And why?

Because I killed him.

I reach over towards the nightstand, ready to pull out a needle and give myself a holiday, pass out for another month if need be, only to find the spot vacant. Ollie hadn't given me my sweet relief for today…

So I just cried myself to sleep.

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**Oh the pleasureable agony. Review**


	7. Waterfalls

**Chapter 7: Waterfall**

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**Thank everyone who has reviewd this story so far, any questions, I'd be happy to answer them!**

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It's a waterfall of tears and blood mixed with hate and angst as I stand in the shower and close my eyes, finally believing that whatever deity up there was giving me a break. That was until I heard the door open slightly and then close again.

Maybe it is the wind.

I had been in the shower for what seemed like hours now, a razor blade balanced in between my fingers, slicing away murmering "Once for you and twice for me…I'm so cold and broken…so lonely" It had become a song, a horrible high pitched mourning song." Once for Marco, twice for Craig, Three times for Davey, take me away. A slice right here, a slice right there, another slice, oh how queer, once for me and twice for you another life a saddened blue…" I made it up as I went along. If I knew a person's name you now had a special mark reserved on my body.

There was this song... a song, I can't remember it…but it's there…something familiar…and soft tune…

I moved the soap up and down my body slowly, savoring each press and turn as I moved around, spraying the water onto my face and coughing into my balled up fist. I think I was catching a cold, but what the fuck, the faster I was dead the better.

* * *

_"I wanted you to know that today will be the last day that I'll be here" I whispered, holding David's limp body in my hands and arms. He was knocked out cold, deathly pale and icy to the touch. He whimpered into my chest, curling his fingers around the fabric of my shirt and closed his eyes again. I looked back at the hospital bed," I'm leaving and I'm not coming the fuck back. I love this boy…" I stopped. David breathed in again and exhaled slowly, painfully. He finally looked up at me from the bed and I wanted to just turn and run away right there._

_His skin was wrinkeled and old, his eyes pale and glassy and his body wired and hooked up to what seemed to be a thousand tubes. There was a respirator next to him, constantly punching life into his fucking body, each breath he took as almost as bad as the beatings I'd suffer through the days and nights with. He wheezed again thoughtfully and rolled over to face me fully. I'm glad I got your attention, dad._

_"I know that…that your fu- fucked up. I know because I – I know that I am too, we're all a li- little fucked up when you think about it. Mom, she was fucked up…you…you're fucked up…" I stopped, looking down and swallowed." I used to hate you dad, for all the pain and agony and bitterness. You forced me to swallow the truth, the truth is that not everything is perfect, and I respect that…". Tears welled up in my eyes," You know, I always thought it was funny that when you'd beat me you'd always play that same rock song over and over again," I'm sorry, Sophia…" That old sad tune. And never would I think, imagine, or even dream that I'd be here…telling you all of this, on the brink of your demise…you know, I love you dad. But I have to go…I really do, there's nothing that can stop me" I bit my lips as he opened his mouth to speak._

_"Don't tell Joanie…"_

_I looked at him, wide eyes. 3 Years and he still couldn't say anything besides that phrase." Don't tell Joanie Elliot, please…". I walked up and kissed him on the temple, dragging David with me like a sack of potatoes and kissed him on his temple again." I won't dad, I won't". I turned around, holding David's hand and walked out the door._

_We had to get the fuck out of there._

* * *

I took off the hot water and changed the spray to a deafening icy blast. The thought of David and my father in the same memory gave me a sweat that would only happen after being trapped in an amazingly hot fire or a around of amazingly ruff sex.

* * *

"_Elliot, get in the car" My dad snapped at me," Get in the fucking car now"_

_"No. Dad…look" He slapped me across my face, making me fall backwards towards the floor. David looked on, half alive in the corner, trying to stay conscious as he yelled out " STOP! GOD PLEASE STOP RIGHT FUCKING NOW" He breathed in deeply. Tossing his razor blade to the floor and walked over towards me, grabbing my hand and placing his hand under my chin, bringing my lips up to his and kissing me within every inch of my soul with my dad staing us down with daggers." Elliot" He breathed out darkly," Get…in the fucking…car" He looked at me like I was some type of abomination and yanked my wrist and pulled me away from David's grasp." Your mother's in the fucking hospital, this isn't a joy ride."_

_"What?" I asked, clueless._

_"Elliot…don't leave me" David breathed._

_"What happened, what happened to her?" I demanded, my mouth was dry as hell._

_" Car accident, she got hit by a fucking car" He ran a hand through his hair, this was the first time he ever showed real stress." Please, now please, get in the goddamn car"_

_"Elliot…" David murmured again._

_I looked at David and then at my dad." I have to go Dave, I'll be back, I promise-" I looked my dad in the eye," I promise. Go into the room and close the door, don't open it for anyone. Not for James or anyone, incept Ellie." I snatched up his razor from the floor, looked him dead in the eyes and slit my arm right in front of him, making him wince and move back slightly," And if you hurt yourself…I'll do this to myself…" I then pulled him by the collar of his shirt, tipped him back, kissed the life out of him and turned around with a stone cold glare at my father and marched out the door._

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"Elliot, time's up. Get out the shower and come back to your room" Ollie said, knocking on the door and saying it gently. I almost could've seen myself punching the glass doors of the shower out, ripping a small glass shard, slicing it across my skin until red filled the fucking room and curling up into a ball and crying until death pulled me under its dark realm.

I simply got out the shower, wrapped a towel around my waist and went back into my room.

* * *

Waterfalls….

Tiny waterfalls…

Cascading down upon my skin and rippeling with mixed tears and sin…

Wash away

Wash away…

All my sins…. Until I can't breathe and when I can't breath

Let me be able to see you as my last revision to my life

I'll take the last breath out of you darling,

You suck me dry…

Of life…

Of love…

Of my soul….

A Poem By David to me after I moved to Degrassi. This was one of our worse days.

* * *

" Now I remember a long time ago that there was this certain accident, down on the high way…ummm, intersection 290 or something like that. I dunno, it was in the news yesterday" Marco said as he sat down at the counter of his and Dylan's apartment." It's huge actually…it's Elliot's mom. I think, same last name, so I would suppose so".

Dylan put down the spoon that was full of cearal and chewed the last remains slowly." Wow, are we going to the funeral?".

Marco shook his head," I don't know him that well. We'll send him roses or something. Besides, isn't tomorrow a special day?"

"Lover, what do you mean?" Dylan teased.

"Hmmm. I would happen to remember that 1 year, 6 months and 13 days last year I lost my virginity to some dashing prince tomorrow, I think we should celebrate" Marco smiled slyly.

Dylan winked," I said it'd be a night you'd never forget"

Marco just groweled seductively and pounced on Dylan with such force that it knocked both boys to the floor, laughter and giggles filling the apartment.

* * *

Ollie staired at me, softly, his eyes searching me up and down before he pulled a pen from behind his ears and placed it to the clip board that was the color green today. He finally stopped long enough for me to feel relaxed again, I had been mentally balled up in a corner with the towel around my waist for the past 10 minutes and I really, really wanted to do is just sleep. There were so many…puzzle pieces, I guess you could say, that were missing from my life. I needed a hit of clarity to sort things out.

Did I really kill David, how did he really die?

What did I do to Marco exactly?

What is Ellie hiding from me…?

There were more questions, but my mind wouldn't allow the rest of them to float through my mind. All I wanted to do was get out of here, these white dingy walls and shitty hospital beds can only consume some source of entertainment for only a limited amount of time, which, in my case, was wavering at the moment. Suddenly, Ollie's voice broke into my head, and is it sad, that somewhere inside of me, where that cold little innocent boy that I used to be, which I keep trapped behind a shelf of painful memories and other details shook just a little bit with fright because I was that unstable? My voice was cool and damp as I replied," Huh?"

"I said, Elliot, we're going with a new approach. Apparently, these meds that we've been giving you aren't working, as you can probably tell, and we're going to skip all of that, take you out this room, and put you with the rest of the paitents-"

"Then wrap me up in a nifty little jacket and muzzle and poke me with a stick? Or preferably a metal rod, cause you know, in my life time, I've been poked with both" I finished for him simply, running a hand through my own matted and wet hair. Sadly enough, even after a shower, I still smelled like moldy ass and depression.

"Cute" Ollie smiled smugly, and I just wanted to smack him out of the chair, jump on top of him and beat him into a bloody pulp until he ceased to breathe.

Why?

Because I'm starting to realize that I'm extremely violent like that.

"I would like to say that you're doing well, but then, I guess that would be bullshit" He smiled again.

Just one small smack…

"You look horrible Elliot. More than horrible, dead pale and colorless. Your eyes, ugh, your eyes are like the deadest pool of…grey, is that grey? Can you even classify that as a color and look at your body, Elliot. You're skinnier than a 5 month old baby.-"

My dad used to be a dancer, you know, before he met my mom. He was a wonderful dancer. A regular Fred Astair, and he wanted to be the world's best at that. A huge traveler too, went everywhere, Paris, Italy, New York, California… all over the place.

"- I don't know what to do with you Elliot, do you need some type of love? Is that it? Are you even listening to me, Elliot?"

Yeah, I hear you, I'm just not answering.

Ollie continued on, his voice becoming an infectious itch that wouldn't go away and was drilling holes into my brain. I try to float back to thoughts of my wonderful dad, during the happier days of my life but he won't shut the hell up. Damnit Ollie, shut the fuck up and let me think.

You see, as you may or may not have noticed, I am incredibly insecure. I have all these faults and aches and pains and problems and they just won't go away. I wanted so badly to spill my heart out to the next person that came by, not Ollie, because he's a fucking pretty boy Hollywood asshole, and scream it out from the rooftops. Then they'd hug me and tell me that everything's alright and that things will get better.

Well I learned that from an Oprah Magazine in an article about some woman who had cancer, she said all of that bullshit and someone actually did tell her that everything was okay and she's still alive today, all the cancer gone from her body. But there was nobody here to hug me and tell me everything was okay, incept for Ellie, who doesn't count, because she loves me.

And if you love someone, you'll lie right in their face.

* * *

_David bit his lips, looking in the mirror, pulling at his hair and biting his lip some more." Hurry Elliot" He called out, biting his lip again and again, making his pale skin turn red and irritated. " I don't want to stand here alone…"_

_It was a Friday, morning to be presise and me, Ellie and David decided to go for a little walk around the park. Okay, not so much as walk than slow mournful strides while following the casket, dark black as she had requested when I was five, that was to be dumped there. But I preferred walk instead, because it just sounded so much fucking better._

_Ellie met us at the bottom of the steps, wearing a black skirt and a black blouse, button down and her hair swooped up in a bun. You're a darling star, Ms. Ellie Nash, you truly are. She greeted me with a kiss and then proceed to go over towards David, who was flinching and muttering and frowning and passing between realms of counsciousness. She fixed his tie as he calmed down a little bit, not a lot, before biting his lip again._

_Well, shit if it bothered me. I finally got him off the razor blade, but seeing him biting his lip repeaditly wanted to make me smack him also. Not out of anger, but out of love, I didn't want to watch him rip himself up. That's just sad._

_Daddy was in the hospital, I checked him in after a rousing night of cursing, beer and a wonderfully long game of "Guess-What-The-Fuck-I'll-Beat-You-With-Today". I guessed that it was a chord and instead I got hit in the head with a telephone book._

_I didn't like that game very much._

_But anyway, somewhere, during all that mayhem, he insisted that I check him into a mental hospital. I didn't ask questions, I didn't want another round of the "Game" that he had picked up every night now and made the proper calls and shit to get him out of here._

_"You know," Ellie said breaking my thoughts," We don't have to go if we don't want to"_

_"I know" I said calmly, coolly." But I want to, besides, what kind of funeral would it be if I didn't give a speech, the only dearest son?"_

_David looked at me weakily. I tried to picture him smiling and laughing like he used to, but all I see now was a lump of what my boyfriend used to be. A pale, pasty white, vampirestic verson. And God help me, I still loved him all the same, maybe even more._

_We began to walk to the park, it was only 20 blocks away and got there within the hour. There were a lot of people actually, 24, which practically consisted of my whole damn family, all of which who, by the way, gave me dirty glares as I passed by them. Yeah, I was a black sheep._

_Bah, fucking bah._

_I took my seat, Ellie to the left of me and David sitting in my lap because he was too lethargic to get off his bum ass and slide into the chair next to me as people began whispering and crying and nodding and all this other BULLSHIT ( Note capitals) which didn't really mean anything because they were all just keeping up this rouge for themselves, convincing their bony, hypoallergenic asses that they actually did have a heart and that they could care for their sister, or cousin, or whatever the fuck she was to them. The pastor began mumbeling and oddly enough, I began to imagine, or did I notice, that he was glancing over at my little cousin, Reggie, a lot._

_Damn rapists._

_But I never liked Reggie anyway, he spit on me once._

_"Joanie was a wonderful woman, God bless her soul" He said, pausing here and there, coughing when needed, the occasional wipe of the eyes. Here's your fucking Tony, but don't take the real one now, drop it off in the back after your finished fucking my cousin, you'll receive the real one in the mail._

_Finally it was my turn to speak._

_I pulled David up, he followed me to the front hunched over with his head down and…were his eyes closed? I couldn't tell, but I finally made it to the front. I was going to let this bitch have it, spill out everything that needed to be known about her. The lies, how she didn't care about me, the ignorance, the bitter sweet moments, how her death was not one of the best things In my life, but pretty high up there…all that shit._

_I opened my mouth…_

_Ellie closed her eyes and bowed her head…_

_The people in the auidance, 24 whole, leaned in their seats…._

_David fell into me, as usual and closed his eyes. Did he even know where the hell we were?_

_I leaned into the microphone…_

_A butterfly flew past me…_

_Lucky bastard…_

_And finally spoke." I loved my mother" and stepped down as they all smiled and nodded, that "Good Boy, keep all that shit to yourself" smile and then proceed to go balls out to get their own Tony by nodding and crying and gasping and heaving and all that other BULLSHIT, say it with a passion now, BULLSHIT, as I dragged my sack of potatoes boy friend and Ellie 20 fucking blocks back to our shitty shack and colasped onto the couch, David and Ellie following me, where we laid in our own thoughts and dreams and wishes and other delightful things until we all passed out._

* * *

Like I said, if you love someone, you'll lie right in their face.

Or their grave.

**

* * *

**

Oh agony


	8. Vercitily

Chapter 8: Veracity 

That lady from the Oprah magazine died today, the cancer came back full force, she died inside room 504 at Jordan Memorial Hospital, age 26. Twenty fucking six, she had two children, a boy and a girl and a husband who loved her like a good Christian loves a bible.

What a shame. I tip my IV patch to her and send a little prayer up before my eyes flutter close and I bang my head into a pillow again.

I wonder, when I die, will there be a magazine to cover me?

Will there be someone there for me?

Where is MY Oprah?

I think that was David…long and gone by now.


	9. Black Rose

**Chapter 9: Black Rose**

* * *

****

Black Rose, if your wondering what the title stands for, is for the last thing that me and David shared before we got into that argument. I don't want to reflect on the night, that first chapter if you remember, I had said I wish I had a rose. It's me and David's thing.

I'm not moving anywhere fast, you know. Because I'm still in this bed, rotting here getting sicker and sicker by the days. I don't know if it's mental or physical or both, but whatever, I'm still not moving fast.

The room is black, I shut off the lights, my mind is spinning with all kinds of nasty thoughts right now. I can almost taste the blood in my mouth now, the remains of the last kiss me and David had had together, my body aches again.

"Elliot, you know, sometimes I wonder about you. I swear, I have to keep a watch on you like a mother or something" Frizzy red hair pokes through the ends of her hat, his warm brown eyes staring at me in a scolding manner, but a shirt that says "Pet Me Here" Makes me smile, knowing that my little Camille is here. She pets my hair softly, making an almost puring sound. " But I know you can't help it, I know we can't help it, it's who we are"

I slowly groan, Camille, for those of you who are confused at the moment, is a friend that I made here during one of my many black outs, she has some type of delousional syndrome, we don't get into speficis here, and sometimes she comes in while I'm asleep to watch over me like some twisted angel. I don't mind, she says that "They" told her to watch over me, and she has become a sort of sister since then.

"They" Meaning the voices, she has them too.

Problem: She says that we've known each other before, in past life, and that we were husband and wife of some royal empire. She's crazier then me, of course, so I go along.

* * *

" _Don't be mad at me when you burn in hell" My dad said softly, holding his hand at my face and holding me steadly to the ground. I bit back bitter tears and looked him into the eyes, slowly, dragging up from button to button…_

"_Elliot, you know…"_

_Button…_

"_I just wanted you to know…"_

_Collar…_

"_Look me in the eye!" He demaned and my head snapped up quickly to his dark eyes, filled with emptiness and despair. I glanced away again, I couldn't look at him, I didn't want to become him._

"_If you're going to hit me, do it then" I said softly." If you're going to beat me then do it. If you're going to slap me then do it…don't spurn me though, just because of my own religious tendencies or who I kiss. Where I kiss. What I do. And don't you dare even try and bring god into this…dad…because last time I fucking checked, you weren't on the waiting list to get into heaven either."_

_He stood there blankly, he was beyond drunk. He just stood there, like some sort of…I don't even know…he slurred slightly, his eyes flickering. It was almost as If we were in a duel to see who could snap out of our trances first._

"_Hit me, dad" I demanded._

_He wavered a little bit._

"_I said, fucking hit me dad…"_

_He looked at me in the eyes…it broke my heart…_

"_Hit…me…dad…please?" I pleaded. I took his hand and make him slap me weakly." Hit me…"_

_When he didn't hit me I think that's where it all started._

* * *

Camille was a very smart girl apparently, before she got in here, top of her class, a very special student. Honor roll and all. So then I started to wonder, maybe I can get out of here.

And then I looked at her, and her obsessive eyes, and lush lips and groaned, because she was more out of it than I was.

So I closed my eyes and went to sleep again.

When I woke up Ollie was sitting there, watching me as usual, which became a sort of habit that he had fallen into lately. Which annoyed the shit out of me because it's was creppy when you think about it, plus, I already had Ellie and Camille doing that.

I wish everybody would leave me the fuck alone.

But as always, there he was, scribbling away, what ever the fuck he writes in there I'll never know , before he finally nocited I was awake and smiled at me.

Well, fuck you Ollie, fuck you and your sweet smile.

"Sleep well?" He asked gently.

"No" I moaned, sitting up.

But…I couldn't.

"Why Ollie, I didn't know you were into S&M" I said with a wry smile. The ropes around my arms were a little snug, but if I maneuvered around I'm sure I could wiggle free.

"You're quite the slasher" Ollie said with a shrug," And we don't want you cutting up that pretty little face of yours"

"And who is this 'we' that you speak of? Is there some sort of head boss behind all of this, the master puppeteer?" I asked, blinking a little," The big cheese, the main piece of bacon, the familiar asset? The healthy cereal in the breakfast that you all creat-?"

He cut me off," Yes, there is, now stop rambling"

"Fine, master" I shifted down into the covers and closed my eyes," Manupliate me in your evil ways, I am at your service"

" Sarcasm won't get you anywhere" Ollie said, some what pissed.

Like I gave a fuck.

"It got me a few laughs at the whore house down the block from my house, the tranny's loved me"

"See the problem with crazy smart asses like you is that you have no inner saying of what's good and what-"

"Fuck you" I said, sitting up, or at least as high as up was for me," I know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. You see, because what's good would be me and David happily living some where, somewhere where we could be free instead of me being in this shitty excuse for a hospital and him rotting in some ground, all because of me. What's good would be if Marco actually paid attention to me instead of being with that cunt, poor excuse for a boy friend, date raping, boy stealing, blonde deity. What's good would be if I didn't have more medication than fucking Ozzy Osbourne and what's good is if I wasn't alive right now" I took a breath as he opened his mouth. "I wasn't done, so fuck you, I know the difference from good and bad you badly played 22 year asshole"

"Great, I'm glad you could open up in our first session so easily" He wrote something down on the paper," Anything else you'd like to express?" He had the smug smile on his face.

"You tricked me?" I moaned out.

"See, you're not that smart after all" He smiled.

"I loath you" I sneered out, trying to get free.

"Oh! You're adorable when you're violent" Ollie said with a twinkle of his fingers before walking out the room," Oh, someone was here to see you, they left something"

"I don't like you"

"I'll leave it right here, on the night stand, let's see if you can reach it" Ollie smirked as he placed a card on the table, walked out the room and turned off the lights." Good morning, Elliot"

"Fuck you and your good night's " I called as he closed the door.

Damn him, I mean it.

But hey, he knows I can break out.

So when he sees me hovering over him one night, he better not be surprised.

I glance over at the card. It was my name in this dark type brooding lettering, a slant cursive with crooked curls and ink blotches, I kind of like the way it's in disarray, since it seems to fit me so well, so I simply reach my fingers through the restraints and pull it onto my sides.

Actually, owww…

I rolled over a bit, to see something shiny on the end of my bed.

I reach down and pull it from my side….

What the fuck is a needle doing there?

Maybe Ollie is into S&M.

But I'll speculate about his gender preferation later, I need to read this card. I flip open the top of the envelope and slide my nail across it, this is taking forever. I pull out a off-white colored paper and see my name scratched out in loopy crooked slanted red lettering. It kinda scares me, cause it looks like blood, but whatever, let's see what's inside.

_Dear Elliot,_

_I know things are hard and things are strained, but remember, things are not what you see. Trust no one. And soon I'll be here to set you free, just look for the light._

I put the paper down. What the hell is this? Look for the light? Who is this? I scan the letter over again, but I still have no clue who it is. Damn, my life just got a bit more interesting.


End file.
